Throwback Article:
Who You Should Vote for NEXT Election!
If you are anything like me, the 2016 Presidential Election has grown into something akin to a trip to the dentist. Physically traumatic, emotionally scarring, and the momentary relief experienced upon conclusion is rapidly replaced with a burning feeling of dread deep within my gut, reminding me that I have to do this all in a few years. That was this election. Our collective angst and displeasure from before the 8th of November were rapidly replaced with even greater feelings of anxiety and discontent following the election. Our Nation has evolved into a media circus that is Trump, protests, and recounts. Then, in four years, we get to do it all over again! The only person I know genuinely ecstatic about the candidate they voted for was my friend Matt, a self-absorbed, egomaniac with sociopathic tendencies who decided to write himself in as President on his absentee ballot. Much like the other candidates on the ballot, he was more concerned with title leadership and self-meriting than actually serving or finding solutions to make the world better.
Look at the two major Presidential Candidates. Both were accused of criminal activities by their opposition. One candidate possessed all the admirable qualities of a schoolyard bully. He spent most of the campaign placing blame and infighting and barely seemed to embrace the ideals of his party. The other candidate was the candidate who was pre-ordained by the party elites and big donors to be the victor of the primary (despite widespread support for her challenger), and she didn’t seem to understand how to work this thing we call “email.” You could not realistically place your hopes on Gary Johnson. After a few slip-ups, his campaign fizzled out faster than a can of pop left open in the fridge.
Even after the election was over, the madness never stopped. With recounts underway in crucial swing states, we are doomed to continue living the horrors of the 2016 elections for another month. We knew that no matter who won, we would all lose — our time, our brain cells. Eating raw shrimp left outside on a hot summer day is less disgusting than this past election. Most voters felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, as they were forced to pick the lesser of two evils. America, we could have done better. We should have done better. We need to do better. Today, let’s beginning grooming a unifying candidate for the 2020 election.
America, I have found the solution.
We need a President who is strong enough to tackle the challenges of today. Someone who will deliver a quick “five knuckle shuffle” to our sluggish economy and throw our Congressional deadlock into a half-nelson. We need a candidate to unify the United States and make us proud of the Office of the President. We need a President, and…
His name is John Cena.
1. John Cena is from Massachusetts. Do you know what else is from Massachusetts? The American Revolution.
2. John Cena hates bullying!
3. He supports our veterans and those who serve. John Cena was not a Marine; he was The Marine (2006).
4. John Cena has won the Royal Rumble twice. That is more Royal Rumble Championships than all other Presidents (and Presidential Candidates) combined.
5. In 2005 Cena released “You Can’t See Me,” his first hip-hop album (he will become the first President with an album to reach #3 on the Billboard Rap charts).
6. Thus, Russia and Vladimir Putin will not be able to see John Cena coming.
7. John Cena cares about the youth of this nation — that’s why he has granted more than 400 wishes through The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
8. While Trump and Clinton battled it out for Ohio, Cena would have easily won “The Buckeye State.” He already won once when he was the Ohio Valley Wrestling Heavyweight Campion back in 2002.
9. John Cena collects classic American muscle cars. As such, he is the only candidate capable of saving the American automobile industry.
10. John Cena is a winner, proven by the fact that he has won the three Slammy Awards. How could a proven winner like that not win the Presidency?
If those ten reasons are not enough to convince you to vote for Cena in 2020, let me remind you of this important little fact. John Cena was the first pro-wrestler to host the ESPYS!
The next election is our chance to make history by electing the first pro-wrestler President. It is not uncommon for us to elect entertainers to public office — Clint Eastwood, Al Franken, Fred Thompson, Ronald Regan (and now apparently, Donald Trump). Wrestlers have served in public office before. Jesse Ventura was elected Governor of Minnesota. And I’m sure you all remember when wrestler B. Brian Blair was elected County Commissioner in Hillsborough County, Florida. We owe it to wrestling fans everywhere to put Cena in the White House.
John Cena is a man committed to cooperation and teamwork, demonstrated in the five different tag-team championships he has won. This proves that Cena will be a President dedicated to coalition-building instead of the partisan gridlock we have grown to expect from politics.
Even if we convince John Cena to run, his name will not appear on the ballot. You can’t see it! As a nation, we need to start working now to get Cena into office. So, America, instead of wasting your time writing members of the Electoral College asking them to change their vote or signing petitions online to redo the election or protesting — let’s do something that will really matter. Organize a WWE-themed rally in your neighborhood. Start telling your friends and family members to join the revolution. Flood social media with messages to your eleven followers that the “time is now”!
Whether you vote Red, Blue, or Green. Whether you are a “never-Trump-er” or an “I’m-with-her-er” or an “I-didn’t-vote-er,” we need to join together with the “Cena-nation.” Together, we can ensure that in January 2021, we hear the “Time is Now” play as the 46th President of the United States is sworn into office.
Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. John Cena 2016.
